


Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of that Dick

by nostalgicforthefuture



Category: Hamilton - Miranda, Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Historically Accurate, I Had To, M/M, Other, Porn With Plot, daddy kink apparently, i know i'm going to hell but you're the one reading this, i'll stop, sorry i'm just trying to be humerus, sorry if it ruins mac n cheese but, this is pure sin, this'll prob give you a BONEr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-04-11
Packaged: 2018-10-17 16:57:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10598244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nostalgicforthefuture/pseuds/nostalgicforthefuture
Summary: Thomas Jefferson, Sans, and macaroni have a threesome.





	

179X, Mt. Ebott.

It had been a long day for Secretary of State, decorated dipshit, Thomas Jefferson. He had been searching for days on end for the seeds of Hamilton's misdeeds, yet they were nowhere to be found. Madison had assured Thomas that they would be there, but evidently that had been a lie to get him out of the house so Madison and Burr could get fucky with it. Peering over the edge of the mountain, T-jizzle was ecstatic to see that something resembling an illegitimate monetary record connected to Washington's boy toy was at the bottom. Perhaps Madison wasn't lying after all.

Jefferson recklessly flung himself off the edge of Mr. Ebott without further consideration. As it would turn out, throwing oneself off of tall fixtures results in one to become unconscious. Thomas learned that the hard way. He awoke hours after falling to complete darkness. He lay in a bed of flowers that had a beauty only comparable to his own. With great effort, he got up and began walking down the tunnel ahead of him. No damning evidence in sight. Shit. Thomas came across a talking flower and freaked the fuck out, immediately pulling out his gun and shooting it multiple times. Heart racing with adrenaline, Thomas stomped on the flower over and over. It was due to this freakishly dumb behavior that Jefferson did not hear somebody approach him.

"Wow," a soft voice admonished, "are you the League of Nations when Hitler invaded Czechoslovakia, because I did not see that coming."

TJ whirled around and shot them before fully processing what had been said. He looked down at the goat-cow-?-lady, eyes widening at the growing spread of blood. "whaaaaat??" Thomas exclaimed upon realizing what the furry lady had said. He shrugged off the strange and foreign terms and continued on his journey for evidence to use against Hamilton. He traveled the strange land, mumbling incoherently to himself about all the things he would do once he got back to New York. He broke into a house and ate an entire pie before exiting through the wide doors at the bottom of the stairs.

The first thing Mr. Age of Enlightenment noticed was an entirely decomposed body curled up on a bridge. The skeleton must have belonged to someone young, Thomas thought, it was small and wore clothes that did not make sense. It was upon closer inspection that Jefferson could see that the skeleton was subtly moving. He seethed when the animated corpse moved to put its thumb in its mouth, for never had he been so insulted, and by someone who is meant to be dead!

Thomas coughed loudly and pointedly at the skeleton. "Do you bite your thumb at me, sir?" When the skeleton did not respond, he kicked its unreasonably short torso. "Vile creature. I repeat. Do you--bite--your--thumb--at me--SIR?"

Groaning, the skeleton sat up. "Wha? Oh, uh. Fell asleep. Meant to keep the humans out, but I don't give a rat's ass." The skeleton stood up and extended his hand. "Sans the Skeleton. But you can all me Sans. Wanna buy a hot dog, my hot dawg?"

Perplexed, and weirdly aroused, Jefferson took Sans' hand and gave it a firm shake. "Thomas. How much is it?"

"2 cents an inch, though for you, free. Because let's face it," Sans replied, lewdly looking Thomas over, "we hold these truths to be self-evident that dat ass be poppin'."

"Are you mocking me, little man?"

"No, no, Thomas, you're not listening. What I'm saying my buddy chum pal friend buddy pal chum bud friend fella brother amigo pal buddy friend chummy chum pal, is that you give me a real BONEr, my homeslice breadslice dawg." Thomas stared at him blankly. "You get it? BONEr, 'cause I'm a skeleton."

"That does not make sense in this context. However, I do find myself oddly attracted to you...homeslice. I accept your proposition. Now, before we continue, would you be opposed to covering your entire body in macaroni and cheese?"

"Macaroni and what? What are you--I mean." Sans looked at Thomas helplessly. "I wouldn't be against it. I don't have any, though."

Thomas grinned and pulled down his pants. "Not to worry! I always keep a box on hand." He reached down the front of his underpants and pulled out a box, holding it triumphantly before him.

Seeing Thomas with his pants around his ankles and a box of noodles in his hands really got Sans going. His gaze dropped down to his crotch and what he saw made his mouth go dry in anticipation. "To quote Buddy the Elf," he said, still looking at the large bulge, "wow, that's a big one."

"Who is Buddy the Elf?"

"Don't worry about it. Mm, I'm gonna ride your dick like Paul Revere rode his horse the night the British invaded. But first..." Sans trailed off, sinking to his knees. "What's that saying again? Give me a blowjob or give me death?"

"No it's liberty, not bl--" He is interrupted by Sans pulling down his underwear and giving him the succ.

Sans hummed from around Jefferson's magnum dong and pulled off just long enough to say, "Smells like fish," before continuing his ministrations. He could sense that his new fuckbuddychumpalhomeslicebreadslice was close, so he doubled his efforts.

"Ah--wait, stop! I'm gonna bust a nut," Thomas moaned.

"Kinda the point, my guy." Sans looked up and smirked. "I want you to inject my mouth with your little white friendliness pellets."

"No, I am not throwing away my shot. Besides, I am a gentleman and that is not a gentlemanly thing to do."

Sans sighed and stood back up. "Fine then. But I'm not done with you yet."

"Nor am I with you," Jefferson breathed out. "Rather, I fully intend to show you where my shoe fits, if you catch my drift."

"Shoes? Damn, the pasta thing alone is kinky, but shoes??"

"The shoe represents my penis."

The skeleton's eyesockets widened comically. "Then what are we waiting for?" He pulled out a pot and filled it with snow from the ground, lighting a fire beneath it. The two men sat there, anticipation for what was to come growing with each passing second.

Just as the water began to boil, Thomas spoke. "How did you do that back there? With the, uh." He mimicked the motions of giving a blowjob.

Sans looked at him like he was an imbecile, which he undoubtedly was. "My mouth."

"You don't have a mouth. You have teeth and no lips. Yet...yet it felt like you had lips and everything." He poured the pasta in the water and looked at Sans expectantly.

"Well if I told you, what fun would that be?" Sans' eye holes gleamed with mirth. The two amigos did not speak again until the pasta was done.

Thomas hurriedly mixed the cheese into the pasta. "I think it's about time you gave my dick its Second Great Awakening." He looked the frail skeleton over and gestured for him to lie down. His mind was racing with all the possibilities. An ingenious plan came to T-slice suddenly, similarly to how he imagined Hamilton's plans came to him. Sans watched as his lover slowly stuck his hand into the pot of steaming noodles and groaned at the slick warmth. Jefferson's lips parted and he took a shaky breath as he began to move his fingers in and out. His erection, which had diminished slightly while waiting for the mac n cheese to cook, shot right back up.

"Uh," Sans interrupted, "not that I'm not loving the show, but do you think we can get around to the whole shoe in the buttock thing?" Thomas looked up as if he had forgotten someone else was there. He slowly withdrew his fingers from the cheesy concoction.

Removing the literal stick from up his butt, which indeed was a large serving spoon, Jefferson eyed Sans with unbridled lust. "I know this is quite the outrageous demand, but hear me out." He lowered his voice to a whisper so Sans had to strain to hear what was being said. "I want to put mac n cheese in your pretty little eye holes and fuck them raw."

"Gee, mister," Sans breathed.

"You like that?" Jefferson's hand hovered over the pot, waiting for the say-so.

A heated groan wracked through Sans' frail skeleton body. "Oh God yes."

Virginian #1 motioned for the skeleton to lie down and immediately began scooping the pasta into his orbitals. Slowly he pressed baloney pony into Sans' hole. "Damn diddly darn this feels good." The two men passionately moved against one another. TJ hit that sweet spot at the back of Sans' skull with every thrust, causing him to cry out. They were so enthralled in the moment that at first it didn't even register that Sans was calling Jefferson 'daddy.' When it did register, the moment only got more heated.

By this point, Sans was practically screaming with ecstasy. With no warning, a huge gaster blaster appeared and fired cum across the room.  
"What the fuck?" Thomas said. Then, more quietly, "What the fuck?" Oddly enough, because he was a pervert who was into freaky shit, seeing cum being shot out of a cannon is what ultimately did it for Thomas. He shot his load into the macaroni as eagerly as Washington would have shot a redcoat.

When the two of them came down from the post-coital high, Sans turned to Thomas seriously. "I haven;t been honest with you, my magic dongadoodled friend."

Frowning, Thomas turned to him. "What do you mean?"

Sans pulled out a piece of paper from somewhere behind him. "Check stubs. Almost a thousand dollars paid by your rival. I was hiding them because I wanted to do sex with you again."

"A-again? What do you mean? We've only just met."

"No, Thomas. I can't explain it to you. You're just going to forget again and leave. I can't--I can't do this anymore." He shoved the papers at Jefferson. "Just go. I know this is what you came for." A single man tear slid down his cheek.

"Okay, whatevs," Thomas said. "See ya." And so he left, the evidence he finally needed to take Hamilton down held proudly in his hands. He finished his journey and returned home.

The world reset and nobody came. Sans was alone.


End file.
